i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
