i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
