her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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