I wish my penis had an off switch
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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