I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
