the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
