You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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