You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
