is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
