I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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