i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
