I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
