There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
