The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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