he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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