either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
