just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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