my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
