I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm always down for nudity.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
