I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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