I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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