my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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