Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
