Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
