Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
