Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
