We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
