Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
40s are totally the cure
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
