I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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