He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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