I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
