I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
