Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
