Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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