Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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