Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
