you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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