Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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