I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to rekindle our bromance
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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