come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
