I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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