The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
