I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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