um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
