I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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