Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
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