Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
