The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
