I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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