dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Every concussion has its silver lining
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
