Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
