You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
