I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have aggressive nipples.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
