We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
