She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
