3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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