I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
zippers are such a cool invention
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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