this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
