my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
