dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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