You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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