I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
