I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
